Brenda,
pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her
obstetrician's office. When the exam was over, she shyly
began, My husband wants me to ask you..."
"I
know, I know," the doctor said, placing a reassuring
hand on her shoulder, "I get asked this all the time.
Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."
"No,
that's not it at all," Brenda confessed. "He wants
to know if I can still mow the lawn."
Two deaf
men were talking on their coffee break, about being out late
the night before. The first man said," My wife was
asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and
not get into trouble."
The second
deaf man said, " Boy you're lucky. My wife was wide
awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me
and giving me hell for being out so late."
The first
deaf man asked, " So what did you do?"
"I
turned out the light," the second man replied.
A man buys
a parrot, but after several weeks of trying, is unable to get
it to speak a single word. In desperation he takes the bird
to a vet for advice.
The vet
tells him that the parrot has too long of a beak to speak,
but that he could file it down for $100. The parrot's owner
thought that this was rather expensive. The vet tells him
that it is a very delicate procedure. If he does not file
enough, the bird still wont be able to talk, but if he files
too much, the bird will drown while drinking his water.
The man
decides to think it over and leaves with the parrot. Several
weeks later, the vet happens to meet the parrot owner who is
looking rather down. He inquires about the parrot. The man
replies that his parrot is dead.
"Did
you try to file his beak?" asked the vet. The man nods
his head.
"And
he drowned while trying to drink his water, right?"
"No,"
replied the parrot's owner, "he was dead when I took his
head out of the vise."
A
ventriloquist was driving through rural Maine when his car
broke down. He walked a ways and found a farmer who would let
him use his phone. Well, the farmer seemed to be a real
stereotypical rural type, so the ventriloquist thought it
would be possible to have some fun with him. The farmer began
to lead him back to the house.
Along the
way, they passed a horse. The ventriloquist said to the
farmer, "Is this your horse?" The farmer replied,
"Yep." The ventriloquist asked, "Can he
talk?" The farmer said, "Nope." The
ventriloquist then said to the horse, "So, how do you
like it here?" He then threw his voice, and said in a
horse-like voice, "Oh, it's pretty good. Every morning
the farmer feeds me oats." Upon hearing this the farmer
was startled and quickened his pace.
Soon they
came to a cow. The ventriloquist asked, "Is this your
cow?" and the farmer replied, "Yep." He then
asked, "Does it talk?" and the farmer replied,
"I..I don't think so." The ventriloquist asked the
cow, "How do you like it here?" and threw his voice
again. In a cow-like voice, he said, "Oh, I like it just
fine. Every morning the farmer comes and milks me." Upon
hearing this, the farmer squirmed. He looked down at the
ground and continued walking.
Soon they
came to some sheep. The ventriloquist asked, "Are these
your sheep?" and the farmer replied, "Yep." He
then asked, "Do they talk?" and the farmer
exclaimed, "Yes, but they lie!"
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